24 November 2008

SQL Joins

I'm a pretty visual person. Things seem to make more sense as a picture. I looked all over the internet for a good graphical representation of SQL joins, but I couldn't find any to my liking. Some had good diagrams but lacked completeness (they didn't have all the possible joins) and some were just plain terrible. So I decided to create my own and write an article about it.

I am going to discuss seven different ways you can return data from two relational tables. I will be excluding the cross join and self referencing joins. The seven joins I will discuss are shown below.

1. INNER JOIN
2. LEFT JOIN
3. RIGHT JOIN
4. OUTER JOIN
5. LEFT JOIN EXCLUDING INNER JOIN
6. RIGHT JOIN EXCLUDING INNER JOIN
7. OUTER JOIN EXCLUDING INNER JOIN

For the sake of this article, I'll refer to 5, 6, & 7 as LEFT EXCLUDING JOIN, RIGHT EXCLUDING JOIN, and OUTER EXCLUDING JOIN respectively. Some may argue that 5, 6, & 7 are not really joining the two tables, but for simplicity I will still refer to these as joins because you use a SQL join in each of these queries (but exclude some records with a WHERE clause).

INNER JOIN
INNER JOIN
This is the simplest and most understood join and is the most common. This query will return all of the records in the left table (table A) that have a matching record in the right table (table B). This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
INNER JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key

LEFT JOIN
LEFT JOIN
This query will return all of the records in the left table (table A) regardless if any of those records have a match in the right table (table B). It will also return any matching records from the right table. This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
LEFT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key

RIGHT JOIN
RIGHT JOIN
This query will return all of the records in the right table (table B) regardless if any of those records have a match in the left table (table A). It will also return any matching records from the left table. This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
RIGHT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key

OUTER JOIN
FULL OUTER JOIN
This join can also be referred to as a FULL OUTER JOIN or a FULL JOIN. This query will return all of the records from both tables joining records from the left table (table A) that match records from the right table (table B). This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
FULL OUTER JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key

LEFT EXCLUDING JOIN
LEFT EXCLUDING JOIN
This query will return all of the records in the left table (table A) that do not match any records in the right table (table B). This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
LEFT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key
WHERE B.Key IS NULL


RIGHT EXCLUDING JOIN
RIGHT EXCLUDING JOIN
This query will return all of the records in the right table (table B) that do not match any records in the left table (table A). This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
RIGHT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key
WHERE A.Key IS NULL

OUTER EXCLUDING JOIN
OUTER EXCLUDING JOIN
This query will return all of the records in the left table (table A) and all of the records in the right table (table B) that do not match. I have yet to have a need for using this type of join, but all of the other I use quite frequently. This join is written as follows:

SELECT {select_list}
FROM Table_A A
FULL OUTER JOIN Table_B B
ON A.Key = B.Key
WHERE A.Key IS NULL
OR B.Key IS NULL

EXAMPLES
Suppose we have two tables, Table_A and Table_B. The data in these tables are shown below:

TABLE_A
A_PK A_Value
---- ----------
   1 FOX
   2 COP
   3 TAXI
   6 WASHINGTON
   7 DELL
   5 ARIZONA
   4 LINCOLN
  10 LUCENT


TABLE_B
B_PK B_Value
---- ----------
   1 TROT
   2 CAR
   3 CAB
   6 MONUMENT
   7 PC
   8 MICROSOFT
   9 APPLE
  11 SCOTCH


The results of the seven joins are shown below:

INNER JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
INNER JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
   1 FOX        TROT          1
   2 COP        CAR           2
   3 TAXI       CAB           3
   6 WASHINGTON MONUMENT      6
   7 DELL       PC            7


(5 row(s) affected)

LEFT JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
LEFT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
   1 FOX        TROT          1
   2 COP        CAR           2
   3 TAXI       CAB           3
   4 LINCOLN    NULL       NULL
   5 ARIZONA    NULL       NULL
   6 WASHINGTON MONUMENT      6
   7 DELL       PC            7
  10 LUCENT     NULL       NULL


(8 row(s) affected)

RIGHT JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
RIGHT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
   1 FOX        TROT          1
   2 COP        CAR           2
   3 TAXI       CAB           3
   6 WASHINGTON MONUMENT      6
   7 DELL       PC            7
NULL NULL       MICROSOFT     8
NULL NULL       APPLE         9
NULL NULL       SCOTCH       11


(8 row(s) affected)

OUTER JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
FULL OUTER JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
   1 FOX        TROT          1
   2 COP        CAR           2
   3 TAXI       CAB           3
   6 WASHINGTON MONUMENT      6
   7 DELL       PC            7
NULL NULL       MICROSOFT     8
NULL NULL       APPLE         9
NULL NULL       SCOTCH       11
   5 ARIZONA    NULL       NULL
   4 LINCOLN    NULL       NULL
  10 LUCENT     NULL       NULL


(11 row(s) affected)

LEFT EXCLUDING JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
LEFT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK
WHERE B.PK IS NULL

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
   4 LINCOLN    NULL       NULL
   5 ARIZONA    NULL       NULL
  10 LUCENT     NULL       NULL


(3 row(s) affected)

RIGHT EXCLUDING JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
RIGHT JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK
WHERE A.PK IS NULL

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
NULL NULL       MICROSOFT     8
NULL NULL       APPLE         9
NULL NULL       SCOTCH       11


(3 row(s) affected)

OUTER EXCLUDING JOIN
SELECT A.PK AS A_PK, A.Value AS A_Value,
B.Value AS B_Value, B.PK AS B_PK
FROM Table_A A
FULL OUTER JOIN Table_B B
ON A.PK = B.PK
WHERE A.PK IS NULL
OR B.PK IS NULL

A_PK A_Value    B_Value    B_PK
---- ---------- ---------- ----
NULL NULL       MICROSOFT     8
NULL NULL       APPLE         9
NULL NULL       SCOTCH       11
   5 ARIZONA    NULL       NULL
   4 LINCOLN    NULL       NULL
  10 LUCENT     NULL       NULL


(6 row(s) affected)

Note on the OUTER JOIN that the inner joined records are returned first, followed by the right joined records, and then finally the left joined records (at least that's how my Microsoft SQL Server did it, this of course is without any ORDER BY statement).

You can visit the Wikipedia article for more info here (however the entry is not graphical).

I've also created a cheat sheet that you can print out if needed.
SQL JOINS

Enjoy!

Labels:

09 January 2007

A Joke

James Brown, Saddam Hussein and Gerald Ford all die and are standing outside the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter standing behind his podium addresses each man in the order of their arrival.

St. Peter says to James Brown, “Mr. Brown. It says here that you were convicted of armed robbery, you were a habitual drug user, and it also says that you beat your wife. Is what it says here in my Book of Lives true? And what the fuck’s the deal with that hair?”

James Brown mutters, “Uh-huh, get on witch ya bad self.”

St. Peter replies, “For what reasons should I open the Pearly Gates and let you into the Kingdom of Heaven? In other words Mr. Brown, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

James Brown jumps up and shouts, “Ju got, ju got, ju got what I need St. Peter. Zippity zap gibber jap, jump back and kiss myself. Whaaaaaaaaa!!!” With that James Brown flashes that famous James Brown smile and looks up at St. Peter.

St. Peter pushes the green button on his podium, the Pearly Gates open, St. Peter motions James Brown to enter and then the gates slam shut upon Mr. Brown’s entry.

St. Peter next turns his attention to Saddam Hussein. “Mr. Hussein. It says here that you waged war against Iran, you invaded Kuwait, you gassed your own people and that you were personally responsible for the deaths of thousands upon thousands of people. Is what it says here in my Book of Lives true? Could your moustache possibly be any bigger?”

Saddam Hussein responds, “These are lies fabricated by those infidels the Americans. I am a peaceful man and only worked to modernize my country and create a great Middle-Eastern nation.”

St. Peter responds, “Uh-Right! I see. Uh-well there’s no possible way I am going to let you get in here, but my boss created this form that I have to fill out and I need to check all the boxes. Really it’s just a formality at this point but...”

“For what reasons should I open the Pearly Gates and let you into the Kingdom of Heaven? In other words Mr. Hussein, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“You will let me into your Kingdom of Heaven or I will unleash the mother of all battles upon your walls and I will personally torture you when I am victorious.” Saddam continues, “You will tremble before my might and you shall taste the bottom of my shoe when I am through with you.” Saddam then spits in the general direction of St. Peter and rests his case.

“Okay.” St. Peter says. “That was some speech, but I gotta be honest with you. I was just fuckin’ with you. All that other stuff was immaterial. I can’t let you into Heaven because you’re not a Christian.” St. Peter then pushes the red button and a hole in the clouds opens up and swallows Saddam Hussein. St. Peter says, “Next stop Hell, oh and have fun with that.”

“Next.”

Up steps Gerald Ford. St. Peter flips a few pages in his book and begins, “Mr. Ford. It says here that you were the President of the United States although you were never elected, you played college football... for Michigan, and you were a lawyer. Is what it says here in my Book of Lives true? And oh it says here... you what? You pardoned Richard Nixon? Is that true?”

“The things of which you speak St. Peter are indeed true and I do not regret a single one of them.” Ford responds.

St. Peter continues, “I see. For what reasons should I open the Pearly Gates and let you into the Kingdom of Heaven? In other words Mr. Ford, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

After seeing what happened to Saddam Hussein and seeing how easy James Brown got into Heaven, Ford replies, “Yoooou got, Yoooou got what I need St. Peter. Flim Flam. Okey-Dokey artichokey. Let me jump back, kiss myself. Whooooooaaaaaaaa!!!” As Gerald Ford jumps back to kiss himself, he invariably trips over himself and falls to the ground.

St. Peter rolls his eyes, “Pathetic. You will spend eternity lying right there greeting our new potential guests.” St. Peter then steps out from behind the podium, tees one up, grips and rips it, and nails Gerald Ford square in the head with a golf ball. Gerald Ford passes out. St. Peter yells, "Fore!"

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When Gerald Ford comes to, he asks St. Peter, “Why did you let the funky black guy in and not me?”

St. Peter answers as if it were obvious, “Who James Brown? Soul Brother Number One! Mr. Dynamite! The Hardest Working Man in Show Business!”

“He’s the FATHER OF GOD'S Soul!”

05 January 2007

Children of Men – A Review

I was able to go see “Children of Men” last night because I had won some free passes during a karaoke contest before Christmas (which is an entirely different story for another time). Let me offer a word of caution before I begin. I’ve never written a movie review and in fact I hate movie reviews in general. If I think a movie looks good to me I’ll go see it regardless of any negative reviews it might have. This movie has made me want to write a movie review, but it will probably be my last movie review because I have two children under the age of four and I don’t get out to the movies much anymore. So here goes.

I had not seen any previews of this movie prior to seeing it and I only read one user’s comments on IMDB. So going in I really had no idea what this movie was about.

The first thirty minutes or so of the movie I can only describe as disorienting. You are thrust into the year 2027 and everyone across the world is mourning the death of Baby Diego, the youngest living person at 18 years old. Everyone is crying for the death of someone they have never met, reminiscent of Princess Diana. Theodore Faron, Clive Owen’s character, is some kind of government worker and lives in London. Apparently the world in 2027 has gone to shit, but we are never really told why. You have to pay attention during the movie’s first half hour to try and pick up some of the things in the background, quick little new casts, newspapers taped to walls, graffiti, etc. Usually I don’t mind this, but this world is so vastly different from ours today (remember it’s only 20 years in the future) that the little tidbits you do pick up just only raise more questions. Somehow most of the other countries in the world fell apart and there also seems to have been nuclear weapons used. Miraculously, England is one of the remaining untouched nations. I guess no one bothered to nuke them when they were nuking everyone else; I think that surely the French would have done it purely out of spite. This predicament causes England to be a haven for refugees. England cannot handle them all so the impose a no immigrant policy and shut down all travel in and out of the country. England also becomes a giant police state with cameras everywhere watching (from what I’ve read about England it is getting close to this today).

Clive Owen does a decent job as the loner, social outcast, rebel character. However, this seems to be the type of role he plays in every movie. I don’t know if he’s been type cast into this role type or if he just likes these roles. I find it a shame because I find the fellow rather likable and would like to see him in some more challenging roles. Michael Caine is excellent as always; this time as a hippieish pot grower, ex-political cartoonist. His part is unfortunately very small and is really only a minor character to the story. Theo is contacted by his ex-girlfriend/wife played by Julianne Moore. Julian Taylor, Moore’s character, wants Theo to help her move an illegal immigrant across country through government checkpoints to the coast. Theo only agrees because Taylor and her friends agree to pay him, money which he apparently needs.

The illegal immigrant, Kee played by Claire-Hope Ashitey, turns out is eight months pregnant (remember Baby Diego was the youngest living human when he died at 18). This leaves Kee with the dilemma of carrying the first baby about to born into the world in 18 years. This is why they are trying to smuggle her out of the country. Julian wants to get Kee to something called the “Human Project” which can take care of Kee and her new baby. The rest of the movie revolves around that theme and all of the obstacles they must overcome to accomplish it.

Frankly, I found the movie to be terrible which drove me to write this review. The movie was just too unbelievable. I tried very hard to like this movie; it just seemed to me that it was trying to be too clever. In what I’m guessing was suppose to be the movie’s most poignant scene, Miriam, who is a former midwife and is caring for the pregnant Kee, is recalling with Theo about how all the babies disappeared. She goes on to say that the mother’s in her care kept miscarrying their babies and that there were no new appointments. She called other midwives around England and those midwives had the same experiences. All the human women in the world suddenly became infertile. I found this to be just too unbelievable. A city, a region, maybe even a large region of the world going infertile might be believable, but the entire world almost instantaneously? I’m just not buying it. I can’t suspend reality that far. There is also no explanation, no reason given for the infertility. Miriam, played by Pam Ferris, goes on to tell Theo about how sad it was to be around when all of the children’s laughter disappeared. This entire conversation takes place, surprise-surprise, inside an abandoned school, because who needs schools when there are no children (see what I mean about trying too hard). Miriam seems to be alluding to the fact that it was the children in the world that kept it from slipping into chaos. Excuse me! The children keep our world sane? I don’t think so. Turn on the news sometime; does the world look sane to you? Humans are savages with children around and we’ll be savages when and if they are ever gone. Children do make life bearable and we need them to propagate the species, but does anyone really think of the children before they drop that bomb on Baghdad or set of that roadside bomb next to a market in Fallujah?

I don’t want to give away much more of this movie in case you do happen to want to see it. I just believe the writer and director were trying to make a point about something but I’m not entirely sure what that point really was. Maybe it was like that great philosopher Whitney Houston once said, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well...” but for god’s sake don’t let them see this movie.

30 December 2006

Our Long National Nightmare Is Not Over

With the passing of ex-President Gerald Ford the day after Christmas, the stories and obituaries about the man flooded the printed and television media as well as the Internet. We’ve been hearing about how great a football player he was, the starting center on two undefeated University of Michigan teams (in the early 1930s). We’ve read about his days in the navy during World War II and about how he almost went overboard during Halsey’s famous typhoon. After the war, he served as a U.S. Representative for twenty-four years with over eight of those years being the House Minority Leader. He also served on the Warren Commission which investigated President Kennedy’s assignation and was the last surviving member of the commission. He got us out of Vietnam, was president during the Mayaguez incident and was the subject of two assignation attempts. Then there are of course the many instances in which he was portrayed as a bumbling klutz, especially by Chevy Chase on early shows of Saturday Night Live.

There is also his well know wife Betty Ford who founded the now world famous Betty Ford Center. And most important of all was his accession to the presidency after the resignation of Richard Nixon. But the one thing that keeps getting brought up is the notion that Gerald Ford was this great healer for the country. That he was somehow able to bury forever the travesty of the Watergate Scandal by simply pardoning Nixon. That pardoning Nixon would somehow be better for the country because it would allow all Americans the ability to “move on.” After taking the oath of office, Ford addressed the nation and said, “Our long national nightmare is over.” Well for the record, “moving on” is overrated and “Our long national nightmare” is not over.

By pardoning Nixon, Ford may have believed that he was helping to heal the country but what he was actually doing was usurping justice. Because he believed it was more important to heal, a most vile and despicable man was never punished for the crimes he committed. And not just any crimes, not crimes committed against individuals, these were crimes committed against all of us as Americans and against our Constitution. In his remarks after taking the oath and immediately after saying, “Our long national nightmare is over” Ford continued, “Our Constitution works; our great Republic is a government of laws and not of men. Here the people rule.” If he truly believed that, he would have let the laws take over and allowed Nixon be prosecuted for the crimes which he had committed. Instead he was hypocritical. If actions speak louder than words; his words were commendable but his actions were deplorable. What he demonstrated was that our government was indeed made up of men; men who wield great power and who can use that power to circumvent the law and thus the will of the people.

Fast forward almost thirty years from the Nixon resignation and you find another president who feels he is above the law. President Bush is the new Richard Nixon. And we only have Gerald Ford to thank for it. If you look back, a lot of the same characters appear in the three administrations of Nixon, Ford, and current President Bush. But the two that stand out most are Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. Cheney was a Deputy Assistant to Nixon, Ford’s Chief of Staff and Bush’s Vice President. Rumsfeld was an Assistant to President Nixon, Ford’s Chief of Staff and later his Secretary of Defense, and Bush’s Secretary of Defense. What these two men learned during the administrations of Nixon and Ford was that men could be above the law. They learned that the laws of our country could be broken by the president and that the president would never be held accountable.

There has been plenty of talk about impeaching President Bush now that the Democrats have taken back control of both chambers of the Congress. Nancy Pelosi, who will be the new speaker of the house, says that impeachment is “off the table.” Why? On “60 Minutes” she said, “It is a waste of time... making them lame ducks is good enough for me.”1 Whatever happened to justice in this country, whatever happened to accountability? Do we decide not to try and convict Ken Lay if we somehow knew that right before he was to serve his time, he’d die? Why is turning these men into lame ducks an acceptable outcome? They need to be held accountable, something that didn’t happen with Nixon. They need to be turned into examples of what happens to men when they think that they are above our laws. We need to do this to prevent the next Richard Nixon or the next George W. Bush. George W. Bush and his assaults on our Constitution and our rights are a direct result of the failure by our country to receive justice regarding Richard Nixon.

Barry Werth of “Newsweek” calls Ford “One of history's bravest leaders.”2 Bob Woodward from the “Washington Post” says that Ford “Disagreed with Bush about invading Iraq” in an interview Woodward had with Ford in July 2004. But Ford told Woodward that his comments “Could be published at any time after his death.”3 What bravery it must have took to speak out about a war you did not agree with a year after the war started and only if your words disagreeing were published after your own death. Brave leader indeed. Maybe he should be given a posthumous medal.

In another article about Ford from Bob Woodward, Woodward states that Ford and Nixon had a close friendship. Regarding the pardon of Nixon, Ford told Woodward, “I looked upon him as my personal friend. And I always treasured our relationship. And I had no hesitancy about granting the pardon, because I felt that we had this relationship and that I didn't want to see my real friend have the stigma.”4 So which is it Mr. Ford, did you pardon Nixon to save us from “Our long national nightmare” or did you pardon him because you didn’t want your friend to have a “stigma”. Maybe it was both or maybe it was more self serving, “I had to get the monkey off my back,” Ford wrote in his book A Time to Heal. It’s too bad that we are no longer able to ask you. Ford’s approval rating dropped from 71 percent to 49 percent the week after the pardon and 56 percent of Americans wanted Nixon tried in court. Apparently the American people we prepared to handle a continuation of the “national nightmare”.

Should we get the chance to impeach George W. Bush, the House of Representatives had better impeach Mr. Cheney as well lest he go all Jerry Ford on us and pardon his good friend Dubya when he takes office as the 43rd President of the United States.

1 “60 Minutes” Interview with Nancy Pelosi
2
The Understudy” by Barry Werth in “Newsweek”
3
Ford Disagreed With Bush About Invading Iraq” by Bob Woodward in the “Washington Post”
4 Ford, Nixon Sustained Friendship for Decades” by Bob Woodward in the “Washington Post”


18 December 2006

First Post - Oxford/Cambridge Interview

We all know the old saying, "Given a million monkeys with a million typewriters and a million years, one of them will reproduce the works of Shakespeare." Well a co-worker once told me that this wasn't true and the proof was the Internet, especially the blogs. So this is going to be my contribution to the millions of helpless monkeys.

Most of my posts will deal with politics/current issues, but sometimes it will be just about stuff I've observed in the world around me. Or it could be about other stuff I find interesting. I hope you will like this blog.

While flying home from Chicago, I bought a copy of Harper's Magazine because I wanted to read the cover article. It was a really good article about how the right wing of this country are trying to "re-write" history in regards to Christianity and our Founding Fathers. The article was written by Jeff Sharlet. I would suggest reading this article if given the chance. Harper's may eventually post it here. The article is titled "Through a Glass, Darkly".

Anyway that article is not the subject of this post. While reading that issue I came across a listing of Oxford and Cambridge interview questions in an article titled "How High?" I thought it would be fun to answer these questions here (and show you how twisted my brain is).

What is your opinion of spontaneous human combustion?
- Given enough fat, anything in life is possible.

Why don't we have just one ear in the middle of our face?
- Beside the fact that we would be fucking ugly, you wouldn't able to tell in which direction sounds were coming.

Are you your body?
- I know I'm not your body, buddy (I suppose you were expecting some deep explanation about body and soul).

How can reindeer tell the difference between spring and autumn?
- That bastard Santa lets the reindeer go free in the spring and then enslaves them again in autumn. I think that is noticeable to a reindeer.

What percentage of the world's water is contained in a cow?
- Not much, but much of the world's methane is produced by that same cow.

If you had to send three things to a group of isolated tribespeople that would immediately convey to them what it means to be "French," what would you choose.
- Naked pictures of French women (hairy pits and all), croissants, and wine.

Has the French Revolution ended?
- Does any good revolution really ever end, besides the French are still so rude so the answer is no.

Can the American political system be compared to feudalism?
- Yes, there is the nobility (Republican and Democrat politicians) and the serfs (everyone else).

Was Russia just too damn big for democracy?
- No, the people obviously didn't want it enough.

If Buddhism teaches nonattachment, how can China, one of the biggest Buddhist countries in the world, be so materialistic?
- More materialistic that the United States? Is it really materialistic to want to stand out in a sea of 1.3 billion people?

Do you think Neanderthals understood the concept of death?
- They're dead aren't they, if they don't understand it now there is no hope for them.

What about fatalism?
- Again, they extinct so the point is moot.

Isn't golf based entirely on luck?
- Yes, Tiger continues to win because he's the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet.

Why do the English like cricket so much?
- They go well with grasshoppers on crumpets.

If you had a rugby match, an orchestra concert, and a piece of homework, how would you prioritize them and why?
- Rugby, orchestra, homework. Homework is always the least important thing in the world. The orchestra would pass rugby if I could be promised that someone is getting hit over the head with a tuba.

If you were a rat, what would be the most important thing to you?
- Cheese.

How comfortable is that chair?
- My ass seems to like it.

Do you like Birmingham?
- Alabama is full of red necks, oh you mean England. Never been to either so I couldn't say for sure.

Would you describe drinking tea, eating roast beef, and hitting schoolchildren as "traditional British values"?
- What kind of society drinks tea while eating roast beef?

If there were three beautiful, naked women stranding in front of you, which would you choose?
- All three, duh!

If you could wave a magic wand and eradicate all Third World problems though this would cause all medical research and development to stop, would you?
- Are you kidding? They'll figure out their problems eventually and maybe we'll advance medicine far enough to put them all back together again.

What is wrong with the sentence "Here comes Bob"?
- What's wrong with you for asking such a stupid, meaningless question?

How would you compare Stephen Hero and Stephen Daedalus to Beavis and Butt-Head?
- Like, huh huh, Joyce, huh huh totally sucks. Turn on, huh huh, MTV or something you dill weeds.

Does language exist?
- I'm writing this aren't I?

How do we know 1 + 1 = 2 if the concept of numbers was in fact invented by humans?
- Good question. If you have one stick and add another stick to it you have two sticks. You can call it whatever you want, hell you can call it three, you can call it frog, but it's still "two".

How does a perm work?
- How do we make them not work, especially on men?

What is a tree?
- Something to hug.

How would you design a better brain?
- Who left out the freaking laser beams?

Is it possible for a society to exist in which everyone lies all the time?
- Isn't this the way politicians live, especially Republican politicians?

What would make anyone want to settle in a place such a Iceland?
- Change the name maybe?

Why do archaeologists love pots so much?
- 'Cause they like to get high (c'mon that was too easy).

Why couldn't you time a pendulum for 10,000 swings by watching it with a timer?
- I could also sit around and watch grass grow but I fucking don't.

Why do few Americans believe in evolution?
- There's too much evidence so it must be a vast left wing, secular conspiracy.

How would you design an experiment to disprove the existence of God?
- I'll design my experiment disproving God when someone designs an experiment proving the existence of God.

Why do black men say that white men can't rap?
- To compensate for their small penises?

Was Augustus just an arrogant child?
- Who really knows, but I do believe he was a bastard.

Were Russian peasants mystically connected to the country side?
- If Native Americans can be, why not Russian peasants.

How would you explain Naomi Cambell's life?
- Why would I waste any of my life trying to explain hers?

Was Hitler really evil?
- Is the Pope Catholic, does a bear shit in the woods, is Michael Jordan a great basketball player, really I could go on and on.

Are you cool?
- What do you think mother fucker?

I think you'd have to agree both Oxford and Cambridge would be fighting to see which one of them would be graced by my presence.

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